In advance of the governor’s budget speech next Wednesday, here is a little quiz you can take to discover how you’re supposed to feel about it. Please answer the following questions honestly, so we can accurately describe what level of rage you’re supposed to feel.
Instructions: Mark the answer which best describes how you feel about each proposal.
1. State agencies to be combined
A: About time, I say! Whatever sort of redundancy this is wouldn’t be tolerated in my company
B: State government has different departments? Will this make it easier to go to the DMV?
C: This is an outrage. Clearly, combining these departments will lead to the apocalypse
D: Yes! Combine them all into a single person, then shove that person into the Sound
E: This verifies everything I’ve ever suspected about Malloy. He’s worse than LIEBERMAN
F: Did my roof just creak ominously?
2. Salaries of state workers to be slashed
A: Fine plan! No teacher should make more money than my gardener
B: As long as nobody I know works for the state, I think it’s a great idea
C: Any concessions at all should be accompanied by me setting the town of Darien on fire
D: Darn right! State workers should work for free, that’s what Thomas Jefferson would have wanted
E: This is the most anti-worker administration since the last one! I’m blogging about this right now!
F: So… cold….
3. Tolls installed at various points around the state, especially borders
A: It doesn’t matter, I’ll take the helicopter to Manhattan instead
B: This is an outrage, how am I supposed to get to the Holyoke Mall if I have to pay fifty cents for it?
C: As long as all that money goes directly towards funding the project I’m working on, I love it
D: Let’s privatize all the roads, because a random venture capital group will do a MUCH better job maintaining them than the DOT
E: We should invest in a network of high-speed monorails instead! We’ll never catch up with Japan at this rate
F: My basement is full of water. But it’s below freezing outside! This isn’t fair…
4. A progressive income tax
A: No matter, I’ll just claim residency in my second home in Arizona
B: I don’t care if it actually saves me money, it’s called a “tax” so I hate it!
C: Good! Raise taxes on those rich jerks!
D: I’M CALLING GLENN BECK RIGHT NOW
E: It says “progressive” so it must be good!
F: I ran out of oil, and the oil guy can’t get through the snow to my backyard. Hurry up, spring…
5. Education funding cut
A: That reminds me, I need to cut a check to the alumni association at Choate
B: Don’t you dare! My children come first! Just don’t pay for it by raising my taxes, I hate taxes
C: Why don’t they get rid of all those cheating administrators instead?
D: The only education my children need is a Bible, a copy of the Constitution and a solid handgun
E: Cutting teacher salaries is like kicking puppies! If we got rid of the Navy we could buy the perfect education system
F: We’ve had 20 snow days in a row… when will it end?
Okay! Take a look at your answers. Which letter did you circle most often?
If you answered mostly A, you’re a plutocrat, and whatever the state decides to do won’t affect you at all, except to raise the level of your complaining about how difficult your life is during tax season. Your reaction to the governor’s speech should be to threaten to leave Connecticut, but never actually do it.
If you answered mostly B, you’re a clueless suburbanite who has next to no interaction with state government. Your reaction to the governor’s speech should be a feeling of mild worry, which will pass as soon as you get home and turn on the TV.
If you answered mostly C, you’re a state worker, meaning that no matter what happens with the budget, everyone will blame you. Your reaction to the speech should be to sigh a long-suffering sigh and start browsing the want-ads.
If you answered mostly D, you’re a tea party patriot who hopes all government is finally extinguished, just like Reagan would have wanted! Your reaction to the speech should be to move to your fallout shelter in the backyard for a couple of weeks, just in case.
If you answered mostly E, you’re a liberal, so no one is actually paying any attention to you. Your reaction to the speech should be to write a 20 page, snarky, point-by-point refutation, but then get depressed and delete it all.
If you answered mostly F, you’re snowed in. Your reaction to the speech should be good cheer in learning that the outside world still exists!
I hope this has been helpful. No matter your affiliation, you are all invited to the rally on the north steps of the Capitol to protest how awful this budget is next week—if they can shovel out a path by then.
Susan Bigelow is the former owner/author of CTLocalPolitics.com. She lives in Enfield with her wife and cats.